Who's love did you crave more - your mother or your father's?
Tony Robbins asked this powerful question in his most recent interview with Marie Forleo and it's been haunting me all week.
This is an easy one for me... It was my mom's.
This isn't about which parent you were closest with (because for me it's my dad), but it's whose love did you *crave* more.
Tony walks Marie through this exercise to reveal to her that when we are children we are reliant on our parents love for survival.
Hence love becomes a "need."
When love is not given, we shape, bend and mold ourselves into the kinds of people that our parents will give love.
• How did you have to act in front of your parents to receive love?
• What did you have to say?
• Who did you have to become?
It's definitely a mind trip ... And I can see that a lot of my strongest and best qualities were born as a result of reacting to the parent whose love I craved ... Or rather "needed."
Because of my situation growing up I had to be responsible, learn how to take care of myself, be a planner, the organizer.
I had to be endlessly patient and learn how to effectively communicate in an emotionally turbulent environment.
I had to be strong and independent and figure things out on my own.
I had to self soothe and find guidance and motherly love in other people and women.
I had to be positive and optimistic and outgoing and bold.
Ironically enough, the hand that I was dealt has made me embody these "good" qualities.
Here's the kicker...
When we don't feel these qualities that we've come to possess we feel GUILTY and beat ourselves up.
So for me when I'm not feeling positive or optimistic then I wonder what's wrong with me.
I beat myself up when I grow weary of being the planner, the "responsible" one, the "mom" of the friend group and caretaker.
I beat myself up when I wish someone would take care of me or when I feel needy for praise and affectionate.
So, moral of the story is... It seems that some of your best qualities might have been cemented as a personality blueprint because of your parents.
They might be your "best" qualities, however, all your feelings are valid.
It's okay to have a bad day.
It's okay to be known for certain characteristics but to not want to act in alignment with them.
It's okay to feel how you feel.
End of story.
So, who's love did you crave more?