When you fall prey to depression you usually have a reason: a breakup, your job sucks, what have you.
What about those times you fall prey to apathy?
Apathy: lack of interest, enthusiasm or concern.
Ironically, it's almost worse. To feel noting is truly worse than feeling something even if it sucks.
I've been swimming in a sea of apathy since last Monday. I can't say this has ever happened before, maybe it has and I don't recall it.
My healthy habits and rituals have flown the coup and it's just me in a body.
I think I have a purpose and I've got all these goals and dreams flying around inside me incessantly - maybe I needed a break from myself.
I'm always making to do lists, setting goals, and making plans on how to achieve said goals.
I didn't have it in me to be around other people this weekend.
Half of me was truly apathetic and half of me was wanting to find that happy, driven girl that I've some how lost.
I'm in a strange place and I'm not sure how I got here.
There are specific tendencies and behaviors I have that need to change. I know that.
How do you conquer apathy?
How do you find your way back to happiness when there's honestly nothing wrong?
I do believe there's a lesson in everything.
I also believe that spending the entire weekend alone was what I needed. I can't believe I've never, ever done that.
I think I might be smack dab in the middle of a growth spurt.
Redefining who I am and who and what are important to me.
Maybe apathy is a defense mechanism?
Maybe I'm on the brink of a lot of internal and external change and I'm scared.
I don't know.
I honestly don't know.